i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
