I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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