Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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