dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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