So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
