saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
