Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
