Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
