I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
