I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
