don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
