he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
