My liver just broke up with me...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My bed smells like the plague
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
