Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
