my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
