before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
