it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
