so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
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If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
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Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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