he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
its not stalking. its research.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
