he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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