So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
