I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He better not be in your backpack
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
