One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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