you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
