I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
