he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
