Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
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She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
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Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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