I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
