Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
