Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize