I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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