I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you had me at cake vodka
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
