You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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