i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
