I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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