4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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