She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
