I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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