Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
