If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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