After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
