So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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