i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
