it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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