I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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