I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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