I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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