"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
