the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Randomize
