Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
As shirtless as possible
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
