she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
she smelled like a LAN party
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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