this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
