We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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