dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
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I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
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