this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
